Tuesday 31 May 2016


'Croc horror.' It wasn't a bad effort by the NZ Herald, and a nice little nod to the Sun. It's nothing compared to the much-celebrated front-page, all-caps glories of the NT News, of course - but then, up in the Northern Territory, they get so much more practice. 'Crocky Horror Picture Show' on a story about stupid selfies with crocodiles; 'G'day, Bait!' above a photo of a croc lunging towards a fisherman; the epic 'Croc Fights Shark'; the curious 'Fish Eats Croc'; the classic 'A Croc Walks Into a Bar'; the tempting 'Win Your Own Croc'; the obvious 'Great Australian Bite'; the inevitable 'What a Croc'. (None of these can of course compete with the paper's famous winners 'Why I Stuck a Cracker Up My Clacker', 'A Pack of Dogs Ate My Car', the haunting 'Frog Struck Down by Lightning' and the unavoidably wordy 'Best Man Left Bleeding After Being Hit in Head by Flying Dildo.')

Today's story was about a New Zealand woman who's been taken by a crocodile in the Daintree, in northern Queensland. Her last words were "A croc's got me!" which at least gives her family a resonant quote to use when telling the story - as they will, over and over, for generations. Bit harsh? Maybe, but not only is she a total stranger to me, also she was stupid - she'd lived there for years, she knew the dangers, and still she and her friend chose to go swimming in the sea at night. Darwin Award winner right there.

Inconsistently, however, I'm hoping to get a story soon that will hinge on some Aussies who were too cowardly about being eaten by a prehistoric reptile - I've heard of some on an alligator-spotting tour of a Louisiana bayou who, when the boat broke down, after sarcastically playing 'Row, row, row your boat' and the 'Titanic' theme on their phones, to the boatie's irritation, then came over all panicky about being got by a gator, and insisted on being transferred to another boat. Wusses! Perfect Aussie-baiting fodder coming up...

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